Tag Archives: EU

Buffyisms for Star Wars

About a year and a half ago, I was chatting with Star Wars pilot-fic fanwriter Lane Winree — his writing is fabulous and he believes in characterization — about the utter horror that the Expanded Universe has become and why we can’t seem to tear ourselves away. Actually, that continues to be a staple of our conversations. The bottom line seems to be that if we’ve held on for this long, we’re not gonna leave now, no matter what madness Troy Denning introduces.

We also talked about what we’d love to see. We agree that, should it ever happen, another live action trilogy should be based on Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy.

Better yet, we thought, what if Joss Whedon was writing for Star Wars? Aside from giving all of us nerdgasms and then turning us into a big puddle of nerd goo, it might actually generate enough cash to pull us out of our economic woes.

“Perhaps the best part?” Lane wrote. “Joss would be writing the dialogue. Whedonisms in Star Wars. Hell, I will settle for Uncle George letting Joss write nothing but dialogue.”

Joss goes Star Wars … I can see it. So, without further ado, let’s try a few on for size, shall we? Buffyisms for Star Wars … with translations from Sunnydale to GFFA, where necessary.

Fair warning — some of these have taken on new meaning post-Fate of the Jedi.

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“If the Sith come, comm me.”

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“I know this one. The life of a Jedi entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah, I’m so stuffy gimme some ryshcate.”

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“Chief of State Daala, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.”

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Anakin: “Have I ever let you down?”
Obi-Wan: “Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?”

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“How ’bout because you’re a tiny, impotent Mando with a bug up his butt the size of a bantha.”

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“I’d rather be wampa food than look at your pathetic face.”

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Asajj Ventress: “Who the Sith hell is this?”
Ahsoka Tano: “It’s your lucky day, Ventress …”
Barriss Offee: “Two Jedi … ”
Ahsoka: “No waiting … ”

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“Force! What is your youngling trauma?”

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“You’re my friend! You’re my Zekk-shaped friend!”

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“A Sith in love with a Jedi … It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.”

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Jag: “Do you often steal weapons from the military base?”
Jaina: “Well, we don’t have Holonet, so we have to make our own fun.”

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“Yoda and orgies in the same sentence. I could have done without that one.”

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“Why do we have to devise these programs; isn’t that what droids are for?”

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Zekk: “Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Imp Boy on this one.”
Jag: “Could you not call me that?”

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“A great equalizer, testosterone is. All human males into morons, it turns.”

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“Hey, larvae boy! Yeah, I’m talking to you, ya big cootie!” (No translation needed!)

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Obi-Wan: “He’s just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to-to goad you into, uh, some mishap or some other sorts.”
Anakin: “The nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah approach to battle.”
Obi-Wan: “Yes, Anakin. Once more you’ve managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.”

***

“So, who do you kill for fun around here?” (Again, no translation needed, especially if said by a Mando on Tattooine … or anywhere, really.)

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Leia: “Daala’s going to meet us.”
Han: “Ooh gang, you hear that? A bonus day of Kenth and the Jedi Council, plus Daala. Mix in a little carbon freezing and it’s my best day ever.”

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“It’s a big hunk of durasteel. I can’t wait to tell all my friends. None of them have a hunk of durasteel this big.” (Could be anyone, but I lean toward Vader, upon seeing Death Star I)

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“I’ve had it. Fett is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.”

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Jag: “I just get tired sometimes. I wish we could be a normal couple.”
Jaina: “I’ll never be normal.”
Jag: “All right, a normal guy and his lightsaber-wielding, Sith killing, Sword of the Jedi girlfriend.”

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“Whatever is causing the Wynnsa Starflare ‘tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner Ewok, whatever, but get over it.”

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“Flight training was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the cockpit.”

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“Sith are creeps.”

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Leia: “There’s a Jedi code?”
Mara: “Wait, code? What code? How come I don’t have a code?”
Han: “Is there a caf mug, too, kid? ‘Cause that would be neat.”

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“I’ve been indexing the Jedi diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You’d be amazed how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Jedi were.”

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“So, you’re a Sith, huh? I like that in a woman.”

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“When I said you could fly X-Wings and have a social life, I didn’t mean at the same time!”

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Anakin: “I told one lie. I had one drink.”
Obi-Wan: “Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant sarlaac. The words, let that be a lesson, are a tad redundant at this juncture.”

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“Now, this may sting a little just at first. But don’t worry, that’ll go away once the searing pain kicks in.” (No translation needed.)

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“Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her swoop bike. It was the most traumatizing event of *my* life, and she’s trying to make it about her *leg*. Like my pain meant nothing!”

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“The Force! The Force’s all balderdash and chicanery. I’m afraid we don’t know a frakin’ thing. Except I seem to be Corellian, don’t I? Uh, and a man. With … a blaster. Well, that narrows it down considerably.”

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Anyone (on seeing the Sarlaac): “I’m gonna need a weapon. I’m gonna need a _big_ weapon.”

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And on a more serious note …

Padmé: Do you think I’m stupid? I know you used a mind-trick on me.

Anakin: Padmé, I’m sorry, I —

Padmé: Don’t! Just… don’t. [shakes head.] There’s nothing you can say.

Anakin: Padmé, I didn’t mean to —

Padmé: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Anakin? How could you after what Dooku did to me?

Anakin: Violate you? I … I-I didn’t … mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.

Padmé: If you don’t wanna fight, you don’t fight. You don’t use mind-tricks to make a fight disappear.

Anakin: But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.

Padmé: But you don’t get to decide what is better for us, Ani. We’re in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together.

***

And somewhere in an AU of the EU of long, long ago …

Revan: The Council, they’re the most amazing sentients I’ve ever met, but there’s this look they get, like I’m going to turn them all into wampa mash. And I’m not even sure what that is.

Bastila: They’re cautious. I’m sure you can understand that.

Revan: I don’t have that much power, I don’t think.

Bastila: It’s all connected. You’re connected to a great power, whether you feel it or not.

Revan: I wish you’d just take it from me.

Bastila: You know we can’t. This isn’t a hobby or an addiction. It’s inside you now. You’re responsible for it.

Revan: Will they always be afraid of me?

Bastila: Maybe. Can you handle that?

Revan: I deserve a lot worse. I killed people, Bastila.

Bastila: I’ve not forgotten.

Revan: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me, or to lock me in a Force prison for all eternity, or with the torture. Instead you go all Kreia on me. I’m learning about the Force, energy, the planet and the roots system.

Bastila: Do you want to be punished?

Revan: I want to be Revan.

Bastila: You are. In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed.

***

See?

Joss + Star Wars = Yum! (and cha-ching!)

(Bookish Note: Once upon a time, I kept two blogs, this one and another for fan-related writing under the pseud MlleNymue. That blog has been languishing for more than a year, so I ended it and am moving some of the posts to Foolscap & Ink. So, if you think you’ve seen this before, you might just be right.)