Tag Archives: sci-fi

Music Monday — BFA

The filk, a form of music formed within the sci-fi and fantasy fandoms, is a long and sort-of honorable tradition. In that spirit, and that of Music Monday, the Bookish Miss presents her all time favorite filk:

Banned From Argo by Leslie Fish.

Yep, that wonderful, crazy, I-have-spawned-so-many-extra-verses-it’s-impossible-to-keep-up-with-them-all, Star Trek parody filk is my favorite.

It was recorded on Solar Sailors in 1977 and is set to the tune of “The Boston Burglar.” The ninth verse originally referenced Klingons, but that was changed to pirates when it was recorded. Why that is, no one seems to know; the song already mentioned Starfleet and Pon Farr (the Vulcan mating drive), so it’s not like changing that word suddenly made the song ostensibly about something else.

In 2003, it won a Pegasus Award for best classic filk song.

All that popularity, however, has had an interesting effect. Banned From Argo, affectionately referred to as BFA, is the only song Leslie Fish refuses to perform.

Here’s a video from YouTube. It’s cheesy (come on, it’s TOS, of course it’s a bit cheesy!) and the visual skips a bit, but it’s the best one I could find. The lyrics are below it. Scroll to the end for a link to download a free mp3 of the song.

Lyrics
When we pulled into Argo Port in need of R&R,
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar.
We had high expectations of their hospitality,
But found too late it wasn’t geared for spacers such as we.

Chorus
And we’re banned from Argo, everyone.
Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun.
We spent a jolly shore leave there for just three days or four,
But Argo doesn’t want us any more.

The Captain’s tastes were simple, but his methods were complex.
We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex.
The Shore Police were on the way-we had no second chance.
We beamed him up in the nick of time-and the remnants of his pants.

Chorus

Our Engineer would yield to none at putting down the brew;
He out-drank seven space marines and a demolition crew.
The Navigator didn’t win, but he out-drank almost all,
And now they’ve got a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall.

Chorus

Our proper, cool First Officer was drugged with something green,
And hauled into an alley, where he suffered things obscene.
He sobered up in Sickbay and he’s none the worse for wear,
Except he’s somehow taught the bridge computer how to swear.

Chorus

The Head Nurse disappeared awhile in the major Dope Bazaar,
Buying an odd green potion “guaranteed to cause Pon Farr.”
She came home with no uniform and an oddly cheerful heart,
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart.

Chorus

Our lady of Communications won a shipwide bet,
By getting into the planet’s main communications net.
Now every time someone calls up on an Argo telescreen,
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen.

Chorus

Our Doctor loves Humanity; his private life is quiet.
The Shore Police arrested him for inciting whores to riot.
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free-
Intact except for hickeys and six kinds of VD.

Chorus

Our Helmsman loves exotic plants; the plants all love him too.
He took some down on leave with him and we wondered what they’d do,
‘Til the planetary governor called and swore upon his life
That a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife!

Chorus

A gang of pirates landed, and nobody seemed to care.
They stamped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.
Half our crew was busy there and invited them to play,
But the pirates only looked at us, and turned and ran away.

Chorus

Our crew is Starfleet’s finest, and our record is our pride.
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.
We’re sorry about the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;
At least we’re sure that planet won’t be quick forgetting us!

Chorus

Wonder why … ?

Download a free mp3 version here.

A Starfighter Pilot’s Pep-Talk

Babylon 5 Light Starfury
(Wikimedia Commons)

All starfighter pilots are a little bit crazy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We have to be to do our job.Oh, I know you lot, fresh out of the Academy, say that you’re “crazy awesome.” I know, and it’s not because we bugged the barracks.

Although, come to think of it, we probably should. Major, make a note.

Point is, once upon a time, we were you. Now we’re us and we know better. We are all, every single being in this room, a wee bit mad, as my first CO often said. Normal, sane people don’t pull on a flight suit designed fifty years ago and stuff themselves into a bird where the only thing between them and hard vacuum is a mess of titanium, tansluminum, transparisteel, thrice-repaired motherboards and a jumble of circuitry.

It takes a special sort of crazy to do that. It takes an even specialer sort of crazy to keep doing year in, year out.

So what about the Fleet pilots, I hear you muttering. The Fleet-based squadrons that put on the same flight suits but fly birds with no FTL and no shields only think they’re best. The thing to remember about them is, they think that way because their birds are lighter and more maneuverable in zero-g.

Fact is, they’re just stupid. And suicidal. Without Fleet backup they’re sitting ducks.

Yes, that pun was on purpose.

No, I do not have a grudge against Fleet and their pilots. But it’s beyond stupidity, bordering on suicidal, to do what they do. Fleet likes to call them the elite, the best pilots in service, but how many of you — and I’m talking to all of you, not just our newbies — chose the Starfighter Corps over the Fleet?

That’d be most of you, then. That’s because you’re a little bit crazy, not stupid and suicidal. The Major here started off as Fleet, but we don’t hold it against her. She wasn’t really suicidal, you see, and got out before her case of stupidity reached terminal velocity. She’s a rare case, though.

I see a couple of our newbies didn’t. Well, if you’re holding a grudge, be sure to lose it fast. As in, before you leave this hangar in one of my birds. That kind of thinking will get you killed. It’ll kill others, too, if you’re really unlucky.

Trust me. I’ve seen it happen.

So if Fleet pilots want to brag, let ’em. We know, and every single member of the brass knows, who pulls more of their weight and gets more done. Besides, most Fleeters get damned tired of hearing their pilots brag, and really, really tired of hauling their asses out of the bar after we’ve tromped them yet again.

Buffyisms for Star Wars

About a year and a half ago, I was chatting with Star Wars pilot-fic fanwriter Lane Winree — his writing is fabulous and he believes in characterization — about the utter horror that the Expanded Universe has become and why we can’t seem to tear ourselves away. Actually, that continues to be a staple of our conversations. The bottom line seems to be that if we’ve held on for this long, we’re not gonna leave now, no matter what madness Troy Denning introduces.

We also talked about what we’d love to see. We agree that, should it ever happen, another live action trilogy should be based on Timothy Zahn’s Thrawn Trilogy.

Better yet, we thought, what if Joss Whedon was writing for Star Wars? Aside from giving all of us nerdgasms and then turning us into a big puddle of nerd goo, it might actually generate enough cash to pull us out of our economic woes.

“Perhaps the best part?” Lane wrote. “Joss would be writing the dialogue. Whedonisms in Star Wars. Hell, I will settle for Uncle George letting Joss write nothing but dialogue.”

Joss goes Star Wars … I can see it. So, without further ado, let’s try a few on for size, shall we? Buffyisms for Star Wars … with translations from Sunnydale to GFFA, where necessary.

Fair warning — some of these have taken on new meaning post-Fate of the Jedi.

***

“If the Sith come, comm me.”

***

“I know this one. The life of a Jedi entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, biddie blah, I’m so stuffy gimme some ryshcate.”

***

“Chief of State Daala, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.”

***

Anakin: “Have I ever let you down?”
Obi-Wan: “Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare?”

***

“How ’bout because you’re a tiny, impotent Mando with a bug up his butt the size of a bantha.”

***

“I’d rather be wampa food than look at your pathetic face.”

***

Asajj Ventress: “Who the Sith hell is this?”
Ahsoka Tano: “It’s your lucky day, Ventress …”
Barriss Offee: “Two Jedi … ”
Ahsoka: “No waiting … ”

***

“Force! What is your youngling trauma?”

***

“You’re my friend! You’re my Zekk-shaped friend!”

***

“A Sith in love with a Jedi … It’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.”

***

Jag: “Do you often steal weapons from the military base?”
Jaina: “Well, we don’t have Holonet, so we have to make our own fun.”

***

“Yoda and orgies in the same sentence. I could have done without that one.”

***

“Why do we have to devise these programs; isn’t that what droids are for?”

***

Zekk: “Yeah, I’m gonna have to go with Imp Boy on this one.”
Jag: “Could you not call me that?”

***

“A great equalizer, testosterone is. All human males into morons, it turns.”

***

“Hey, larvae boy! Yeah, I’m talking to you, ya big cootie!” (No translation needed!)

***

Obi-Wan: “He’s just trying to provoke you, to taunt you, to-to goad you into, uh, some mishap or some other sorts.”
Anakin: “The nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah approach to battle.”
Obi-Wan: “Yes, Anakin. Once more you’ve managed to boil a complex thought down to its simplest possible form.”

***

“So, who do you kill for fun around here?” (Again, no translation needed, especially if said by a Mando on Tattooine … or anywhere, really.)

***

Leia: “Daala’s going to meet us.”
Han: “Ooh gang, you hear that? A bonus day of Kenth and the Jedi Council, plus Daala. Mix in a little carbon freezing and it’s my best day ever.”

***

“It’s a big hunk of durasteel. I can’t wait to tell all my friends. None of them have a hunk of durasteel this big.” (Could be anyone, but I lean toward Vader, upon seeing Death Star I)

***

“I’ve had it. Fett is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.”

***

Jag: “I just get tired sometimes. I wish we could be a normal couple.”
Jaina: “I’ll never be normal.”
Jag: “All right, a normal guy and his lightsaber-wielding, Sith killing, Sword of the Jedi girlfriend.”

***

“Whatever is causing the Wynnsa Starflare ‘tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner Ewok, whatever, but get over it.”

***

“Flight training was cancelled due to the extreme dead guy in the cockpit.”

***

“Sith are creeps.”

***

Leia: “There’s a Jedi code?”
Mara: “Wait, code? What code? How come I don’t have a code?”
Han: “Is there a caf mug, too, kid? ‘Cause that would be neat.”

***

“I’ve been indexing the Jedi diaries covering the last couple of centuries. You’d be amazed how numbingly pompous and long-winded some of these Jedi were.”

***

“So, you’re a Sith, huh? I like that in a woman.”

***

“When I said you could fly X-Wings and have a social life, I didn’t mean at the same time!”

***

Anakin: “I told one lie. I had one drink.”
Obi-Wan: “Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant sarlaac. The words, let that be a lesson, are a tad redundant at this juncture.”

***

“Now, this may sting a little just at first. But don’t worry, that’ll go away once the searing pain kicks in.” (No translation needed.)

***

“Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her swoop bike. It was the most traumatizing event of *my* life, and she’s trying to make it about her *leg*. Like my pain meant nothing!”

***

“The Force! The Force’s all balderdash and chicanery. I’m afraid we don’t know a frakin’ thing. Except I seem to be Corellian, don’t I? Uh, and a man. With … a blaster. Well, that narrows it down considerably.”

***

Anyone (on seeing the Sarlaac): “I’m gonna need a weapon. I’m gonna need a _big_ weapon.”

***

And on a more serious note …

Padmé: Do you think I’m stupid? I know you used a mind-trick on me.

Anakin: Padmé, I’m sorry, I —

Padmé: Don’t! Just… don’t. [shakes head.] There’s nothing you can say.

Anakin: Padmé, I didn’t mean to —

Padmé: To what? Violate my mind like that? How could you, Anakin? How could you after what Dooku did to me?

Anakin: Violate you? I … I-I didn’t … mean anything like that, I-I, I just wanted us not to fight any more. I love you.

Padmé: If you don’t wanna fight, you don’t fight. You don’t use mind-tricks to make a fight disappear.

Anakin: But I-I just wanted to make things better. Better for us.

Padmé: But you don’t get to decide what is better for us, Ani. We’re in a relationship, we are supposed to decide together.

***

And somewhere in an AU of the EU of long, long ago …

Revan: The Council, they’re the most amazing sentients I’ve ever met, but there’s this look they get, like I’m going to turn them all into wampa mash. And I’m not even sure what that is.

Bastila: They’re cautious. I’m sure you can understand that.

Revan: I don’t have that much power, I don’t think.

Bastila: It’s all connected. You’re connected to a great power, whether you feel it or not.

Revan: I wish you’d just take it from me.

Bastila: You know we can’t. This isn’t a hobby or an addiction. It’s inside you now. You’re responsible for it.

Revan: Will they always be afraid of me?

Bastila: Maybe. Can you handle that?

Revan: I deserve a lot worse. I killed people, Bastila.

Bastila: I’ve not forgotten.

Revan: When you brought me here, I thought it was to kill me, or to lock me in a Force prison for all eternity, or with the torture. Instead you go all Kreia on me. I’m learning about the Force, energy, the planet and the roots system.

Bastila: Do you want to be punished?

Revan: I want to be Revan.

Bastila: You are. In the end, we all are who we are, no matter how much we may appear to have changed.

***

See?

Joss + Star Wars = Yum! (and cha-ching!)

(Bookish Note: Once upon a time, I kept two blogs, this one and another for fan-related writing under the pseud MlleNymue. That blog has been languishing for more than a year, so I ended it and am moving some of the posts to Foolscap & Ink. So, if you think you’ve seen this before, you might just be right.)